My brother passed this along to me and some friends... it's freaking hilarious!!!

Hangovers
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess
you had to have been there one time or
another..........

One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well; however, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a
staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you
a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your
hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still
drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt
to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body
has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea
who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed
this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with
a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right
now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
I just can't eat that egg burrito.

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